Friday, March 4, 2016


Pregnancy was a total beast this go-around. That and a newborn explains the shocking lack of charming writing from yours truly. But today I break my silence with a tale of DMV Hell.

One would assume this yarn would begin with a rant of how awful the DMV is and how atrocious its employees are, BUT neither one is the case. The employees were kind and friendly, the system was the best it probably could be. This one is all me folks.

I prepped. I got out my passport, my two forms of mail, my insurance cards, my Connecticut license (that's right, I've lived here almost two years and I'm just now changing over my license) and my old Utah license. I'd filled out the form online. Stew and Pippa were fed and potty needs were met. I even made an appointment. I was five minutes early and the crowds seemed minimal. I made my way through the first line, took my picture, signed my name waited for my number to be called and all was going relatively smoothly. My number was called and I started forking over all of my paperwork--minus my social security card. AHHHHHHH! How could I have forgotten that?! After rifling through my wallet a couple of times, and racking my brains for what kind of paperwork could possibly contain that number, I came up devastatingly empty. But I still had this- throw kids back in the car, drive home, run inside, retrieve card, jump back in car, drive back and I'm good.

Or not so good. Stew fell asleep and a beast reemerged when we reached the DMV. I am now carrying a feral Stew in one arm and a ticking-time bomb Pippa in her infuriatingly awkward and heavy car seat in the other arm. In the time it has taken me to drive home and back, the DMV has gone from somewhat empty to a crawling concern. We went through the whole waiting procedure again. This time with no appointment, crazed babies and a three-fold increase in waiting. But it was okay, I totally had this. Maybe they'd put me ahead in line and then I just had to show the guy the card and we'd be out of here. No need to miss my number being called to change a diaper or feed the baby. So I foolishly pressed on. Stew decided he needed to pee in the middle of the insanely long process of the DMV guy doing whoever-knows-what on his computer. Pippa starts to get hungry and fussy. I'm trying to talk down Stewart, bounce the boulder that is Pippa's seat and then Mr. DMV breaks through with a timid, "You've got to take the written test now". What?! This is not happening. Please no.

But happen it did. I found myself dragging my children, sweat pouring from every edifice over to a computer screen, DMV manual in hand and tears in everyone's eyes. You better believe all of those poor, fellow test takers were so excited to see me banging my way to the middle of the fray. Doesn't everyone love taking a test to a screaming baby? I know I do! I pulled Pippa out and spent the next twenty-five soul sucking, desperate minutes, furiously bouncing Pippa on my knee, madly flipping through a manual, begging Stew to hold on and madly tapping my answers out on a touch screen. But like all American movie plots, this one wraps up with a happy ending-I passed! I am now taking the names and numbers of the millions needing someone to slay their ACT tests, screaming baby and toddler in hand. Just make sure you bring your social security card.    

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Some News and The Kitchen Remodel

I am fifteen weeks pregnant and I've hopefully moved past the worst of the debilitating sleepiness and nausea. So sorry about the VERY huge, long pause in posting, but I've been doing nothing but surviving in the last three months.

The Little Peanut at 9 Weeks 

I really wanted to get a nice, after picture of the laundry room and the girls rooms, since I had neglected to do that right after they were finished, but I'm starting to realize that I've got a lot of things on the back burner and who know when that project will finally rise to the surface. So here comes the most fun of the remodel: The Kitchen!




Christopher Scott Cabinetry designed and made all of the cabinets. He does impeccable, gorgeous, quality work. I highly recommend him. 

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Living Room and Entry

I never thought of myself as a whiz at home improvement. Mostly, I thought I was terrible at it. I'm still not great, but I now wonder what else can I supposedly "not do" that really, if I study and try, I can do? I wasn't an artist. I'm still not a great one, but I can throw pots and I kind of wonder what else I could do that's artsy that I had sworn off as "I have no artistic talent". Watch Tim's Vermeer (a documentary) and I think you'll start to really rethink your constructs of what you can do. Most of being able to do anything, is just the will and determination to work hard. Russ and I installed the engineered hardwood in these rooms, hallway, as well as in the kitchen. I sanded and repainted the banister, bookcase, ceilings and walls. I repainted light fixtures from copper/orange to brushed nickle. I uninstalled and reinstalled the light fixture in the corner. I wired it and I rewired and changed out all of the switches, outlets and face plates. Someone else re-stretched the remaining living room carpet. The paint color is Quiet Moments by Benjamin Moore and it's one of my favorites that we used. One secret I discovered, after initially the big buck for Benjamin Moore, is that you can use Behr or a similar paint company and they can match colors. They even have most of them in their system.


Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Storage Room turned Finished Room

This was one of those rooms that I've always been a little afraid of. It was unfinished, dusty and full of spider webs, spider eggs and the spiders themselves. My Nana used to iron in this room and I've always been fascinated by the iron burn mark imprinted into the carpet. I was oddly reluctant to let it go. But go it did.


Sunday, February 8, 2015

Kids' Bath Reno

The shower in the kids' bathroom was the size of a cozy telephone booth. We took out a linen closet next to the shower and widened the shower into a large shower with a full length bench. We retiled the floor with long tiles mimicking hard wood. A new toilet was installed. The ceiling and floor got new paint (after I had already repainted once due to lead being detected in the paint). The old sink was taken out and a concrete trough sink was designed and built to fit the length of the wall. A custom cabinet was built to fit the concrete sink. The cabinet includes three "drawers" on the bottom, which pull out as a step so the kids can reach the faucet more easily.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

A Long Time in Coming and Before and Afters

Almost a year is probably enough for anyone to think I'd given up writing on this blog altogether. But it's the sort of thing where you sit on an idea for awhile and life happens and then it's been so long that you don't know where to start because it's been too long. And then the unthinkable, most wonderful miracle happens, you get to move back to your family and some of your best friends. And then you get to buy your grandparents house and live behind your parents. And then you start to remodel said house and that's literally all you do from waking until sleeping. Your kids' mother turns into a painter and she paints the whole stinkin' house and she never wants to paint again. But not before Stew escapes, goes wandering and the immediate neighborhood likely thinks, that crazy painter, is the world's most neglectful mother.  And there is no time for writing, or blogging or anything but designing, and contracting and painting. Even when all of the craziness is over and the house is finally put back together, there is not one ounce of productivity left in me for a good long while. 

Everyone loves a good before and after, right? I know I do. So here is the first installment:

Friday, March 21, 2014

Carly's Fall Visit-'13

One of my favorite things is when people come and visit and we get to explore where I live and reconnect. Carly came for a glorious week in the beautiful fall. We did SO much and had a wonderful time. I recommend any and all of the above if you are in the Connecticut/New York area.

Yale Museum of Art and Yale Campus

Yale Campus, Yale Library

(From left to right- Gutenberg Bible, outside the library, Yale Library, Linquist Castle, Audubon Book, Linquist Castle)  

Linquist Castle

Linquist Castle

Mystic, CT-Sea Swirl (bottom left and top right)  and Union Church in Pocantico Hills, NY

Mystic Aquarium

Gillette Castle

Hartford Connecticut State Capitol and Katherine Hepburn's grave

Culinary Institute of America and Stewart's Gas (has fabulous ice cream)

Culinary Institute Food, Campo Beach

Campo Beach

Campo Beach

Campo Beach and Korean Spa in Queens, NY

NYC Food Tour

NYC Food Tour and Phantom of the Opera

Saturday, January 25, 2014


I've loved all of the sweet and thoughtful comments that people have written here, on Facebook and in person. It's so good to feel loved and understood. The previous post had been a long time in coming. I really needed to write it the first year of motherhood when I was miserably depressed and confused. I felt very alone and wondered constantly what was wrong with me and why I couldn't be blissfully happy like those other mothers I read on blogs, saw on Facebook or met at church functions. I'm obviously still confused and I'm still trying to figure out how we can live our lives so that everyone can be happy and fulfilled, but I'm at peace with myself. I'm at peace knowing that I don't like being a homemaker, nor am I very good at it. And while there are those out there who are both happy and good at that role, it's OK that I'm neither. Maybe that's why my thoughts finally got published. 

I've also come to realize that what people put on Facebook, blogs and say in public are only the best 5% of what actually goes on in their day to day lives. The other 95% is full of messes, chaos, boredom, mistakes and TV watching. I think it's good we focus on all the good, beautiful moments, because we need those bright, happy moments to lift us up. It's where most of our thoughts should go. But then it can also create this very bad space where perceived reality, is very far from reality and comparing our worst to someone's best can hurt deeply.

A little clarification on some of what I wrote. I think it is unfair the lot that women are drawn in a typical traditional family. There is nothing wrong with being a homemaker. On the contrary, it is an extremely difficult, necessary and noble job, but when it is always expected and no alternatives are given, I find that a huge problem. I have felt very trapped. Part of that is my own doing. I should have taken the initiative to consider all of my options and consider that I might not want to be a stay at home mother. I should have kept going on with my education instead of following a rote path. Some of it is upbringing. There should be more talk of possibilities, praying and following what the spirit tells you. It's not fair that men must be the provider. What if they want to stay home? That's an even a harder sell than a woman in our church working outside the home. I'm sure that choice garners a lot of eyebrow lifting, pity or grown-up teasing. And it absolutely should not! Because they have chosen to do the hardest and most selfless job on the planet. I think that often is said in a patronizing way, but nothing could be further from the reality.

When I talked of not all men being required to do a certain job, because they were male. I meant to emphasize that it a great fallacy and injustice to expect all women to love and want to be a homemaker because they are a woman. Just like a man is able to both be a father and a teacher, so too can a mother be a mother AND something else if that is right for her and her family. The hardest thing about becoming a mother, was feeling like the old me had died and in her place was someone who had no other identity other than mother.  

I'm very, very lucky because I have a fantastic husband who has done way more laundry in our eleven years in marriage than me. We work together when he gets home from work. He understands that we've both had a busy, hard day and that we both have to keep working to keep our home going when his "work day" ends. He gets up with the kids, he helps me put them to bed. He helps do the dishes, cooks, cleans, watches the kids and whatever else needs to be done. I'm spoiled and I'm lucky. Oh how I wish we had made millions and we could do this homemaking thing together twenty-four seven. That would be perfect. I would have fantastic company and a huge support day in and day out. But that's not ever going to happen for anyone. So what I wish for, is more of an open mind. An environment where each person male or female can do what suits themselves and their families best. And that roles are not dictated solely upon gender. That we all become more selfless and seek to put the needs of our spouse and our children above our own.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014


I don't like being a stay at home mom. There, I said it. I'm sure there are some working moms out there, who would love to be able to say at home and just threw something at their computer. I wish you could too. I wish we could all do what was best for us and our families. And I guess that's my dilemma, because I feel like staying home is what's best for our family as a whole, but not for me. I also haven't worked with kids and so maybe I would really end up hating it.

I grew up hearing many a Sunday lessons about my future role as a mother and how the best place and best career for me was being a stay at home mom. My mom stayed home and I loved it and felt bad for those kids who didn't get to have their mom at home with them. I grew up in Provo, Utah and most of the people I came into contact with were stay at home moms. Conversations always directly supported or had the implied expectation that the ideal for me was to work hard in school and get an education that could be a fall back to the ultimate goal of being a stay at home mom. This is what I thought I wanted. Staying at home was so ingrained and taken for granted, that I never, ever even questioned whether I would like it. I never thought about what kind of a life that would be, whether I'd be good at it and if it would make me happy. A career was a contingency plan: If I didn't get married. If my spouse died. If I got a divorce.

I'm so lonely being a stay-at-home mom. I love being around people and I've decided that mostly means adults. Not that I don't like kids, but somehow they just don't fulfill that deep social need for me. I don't like many of the domestic jobs associated with keeping up a house and making a home. I hate laundry. I hate cleaning. Cooking and sewing are about the only tasks I enjoy. The latter is no longer practical and instead expensive and a hobby which really isn't too conducive with me and children. And cooking looses a lot of it's pleasure for me when I have someone literally clinging to my legs and incessantly and indiscriminately crying. I never anticipated the constant weight of responsibility that never takes a vacations. There are no sick days. I'm constantly on call. There is no work, no where else to retreat to. I don't like playing toys with my kids. I wish I did, but I don't. My brain gets so dang bored. I am not a homebody. I get impossibly stir-crazy if I don't leave home at least once a day. And when you have a child that needs naps, you quickly learn that stir-crazy is better than dealing with a no nap child crazy.

But really I'm just surprised there aren't more Mormon women like me. At first I thought it was just because they wanted to fall in line with what's expected and didn't want to give the impression that they didn't love their children, but then I realized there really are a lot of women out there who legitimately like this homemaking thing. And maybe the ones that don't, are actually working so they aren't the ones at playgroup. But there must be others out there like me. It's like telling men out there, when you grow up you will all manage a fast food restaurant. And you will do it because you are male and because that's what you are best at and what you must do. Some men, would likely love it and thrive at it. Some would just be alright with it and some wouldn't like it. I try to console myself with believing that I'm just one of those who isn't a natural and doesn't love it.

So why don't I just go and work? Part of it is because by the time I had this all figured out, we had too many kids and my teaching job probably wouldn't even cover the daycare cost. We put all of our initial efforts into Russ having the big career and building a family with me staying at home. Hence, I stopped at a bachelor's degree, so I could work while Russ finished his bachelor's. Russ got the masters and I will wait to do it later. And even if I did have a job that would make daycare make financial sense, I still don't know if I would want to not have a parent staying home with the kids. I loved having my mom home and I want that same thing for my kids. I want to be there for them and if I am going to work, I'm going to work AWAY from home.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

I'm Writing That Hit Song- "Alone in My Principals"

I'm crazy. I'm weird. I live an hour away from NYC and I don't like where I live. Not one bit. Ok maybe a bit. I like all the cool places we get to see and fun trips we've taken. But day to day, it's not my cup of tea. There have been a lot of tears of frustration and sadness where the majority of the populace would be shedding tears of gratitude over the grand luck and opportunity of living in the East. I've never been enamored with NYC, but I have always thought New England sounded absolutely charming and somewhere anyone would be lucky to reside. I would look at the Connecticut quarter and think, "Yep, just like that quarter is gorgeous, so must be Connecticut." I now say, "It's charming to visit, not to live in". I know that I'm pretty alone in my sentiments and I'm pretty sure that even if I'm not, the New York tourism mafia has a hit out on anyone who in anyway disparages the greater tri-state area. So if I'm dead tomorrow, you know why.

I mostly frown at generalizations, but here goes one from my lips anyway: People in this area are mean. They say what they think and mean what they say. They have no problem letting you know exactly what you've done wrong, how it's effected them and how you should fix it. A poor little Mormon Utahn doesn't know what to do with all that naked honesty except have a good cry in the car after her first few trips to the Danbury Costco. But a year and a half later, I'm weirdly grateful for something being here has done for me: I've gotten a thicker skin, become more confident in who I am and saying what I really think. I still hope to be kind, sickly friendly and true to my British politeness roots, but I also hope to get better about being brave.   

In the past, with my blog, I've very much striven to be open and honest with my feelings and I think I've done a good job with that. I try to portray my real feelings, my real life and not a glossy exaggeration of the happiest and most picture perfect moments. But I want to write more and write more honestly. So here is to writing consistently and even less censored. I'm crazy and I'm weird and I'm OK with that!

Monday, November 11, 2013

"Someone who Believes the Radical Notion that Women are People"

"Feminist" has always been a dirty word for me. I've always leaned toward being a feminist since I probably could talk, but I would have never admitted to being one. In my mind, that was akin to telling everyone you were a fascist, believed in alien abduction or something else equally extreme. If we were to free associate about the word "feminist" I think plenty of negative words would fly from the general populace: angry, man-hater, bitch, tom-boy, psycho, uncouth, power-hungry, hairy-legged, unfeminine. . .But I'm none of those things (aside from the current winter fur on my legs. I know. TMI). I'm simply someone who wants both sexes to be able to reach their full and varied potential. I don't want anyone to miss out on life's experiences or opportunities simply because of what society thinks is appropriate or allowable because of one's gender. And if that's a feminist, I'm a feminist.

I was watching The Amazing Race today and I was saddened and disturbed by the teams visit to The United Arab Emirates. They flew in from Austria where all the teams were wearing your typical American fare, but upon visiting a mosque, the women were suddenly swathed in black from head to toe. I'm happy that they were kindly following custom and respecting religion and culture, but my heart ached as I watched them walk in with their male teammates who had done nothing whatsoever to change their appearance. My heart, once again sunk, for women around the world whose freedoms are few and based on their sex. One male teammate expressed his joy at his female partner "finally having to shut up" and that he'd like her better if they "could do the rest of the season in the mosque".

I want a world where both women and men and contribute their thoughts, talents and energy. I think we would be more likely to solve the many things which ail us individually and collectively. I want a world where both m
en and women are encouraged and expected to rise up to their potential. I don't want anyone to expect women to wear certain clothes or act in a specific way to save poor, stupid men who just can't control their thoughts or behaviors. I truly believe that men are strong, considerate and fully capable of focusing any "natural man" tendencies to their proper place.We insult and sell men short, when we do anything but expect the best. Every person is responsible for his or her actions regardless of someone else's behavior.  

I want a world where men and women can embrace interests, passions, pursuits and thoughts irrespective of what is stereotypical of their gender. I want boys to play with dolls without teasing. I want girls to throw "like a girl" and for that to be a compliment. I want to be able to help lift boxes and move people in my ward, instead of always being expected to stay home with the kids or scrub the floors. I want more stories and examples of amazing females both in the world and out of the scriptures for my son and daughters to draw from.

Most of all, I want us to be kind to each other. I've been saddened by the reaction of many church members to The Ordain Women movement. Despite what you personally believe or what you believe the church doctrine is, we should all be kind. There has been a lot of hateful words and behavior toward people in this group. Of all people, we should know what it's like to be persecuted, made fun of and shunned for our beliefs and we should be the most understanding and the most compassionate. Mostly, because we as a people, we are trying to be like the Savior, we shouldn't be hateful and mean, but be Christlike.

I don't know where I fall on The Ordain Women movement. I know that I have had many questions about the past with women and the priesthood. I've felt discriminated against. I've been saddened by the gender generalizations and expectations.  I know that I don't have any desire for any major leadership positions. But sometimes I think I would rather be the bishop, than the bishop's wife. My heart has sunk and twisted around as I wondered how to answer Gen when she asks why she can't pass the sacrament. I want to know what it's like to give blessings. I want to place my hands on someone's head, be surrounded by the spirit as I feel God's power and words flowing through me. But I don't know what's right and what God wants now and I'm excited to hear if and when the prophet gives us an answer. In the meantime, I will be kind and supportive to those who are brave enough to share their hearts.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

In the Interim

The View from the Computer (taken in the AM)
The sky today looks like I'm living in a Pixar movie and from my computer I can see the leaves changing on the hill across from our new house (I say "our", but technically we are still renting). 24 is playing behind my typing. I like to multi-task in my technology and unfortunately my children are watching and following my bad example. I'm truly sorry to their church and school teachers.  

Out my window I can also see people milling about and going for walks on our sidewalks. I can hear my kids and what they're up to in the same open floor plan and I'm truly amazed at what a change of ten miles and a new house can do. I'm convinced the right lay-out in a house can seriously effect your life. I feel content with our new place and life is so much better.

I haven't blogged in forever, and much of that is due to the immense chaos we've experienced since coming home from Utah. There were job interviews, questions of Seattle or San Jose, house prospects being investigated here and falling through, and a camping trip to Maine and all the while packing and preparing for all of the various options that kept appearing and disappearing. We finally found the perfect place in Danbury, timing worked out and we knew we were coming here, but the night before we were moving, Uhaul cancelled our 26' moving truck and left us with no trucks big or small within an hour of our house. We scrambled until the wee hours of the morning calling every moving truck company. Russ went at 5AM to secure our only for-sure option, a Home Depot pick-up truck. Without our very kind ward members, we would have never made it out of our old place and into the new, in time.

The girls are easing into their new school and making friends, most of the boxes are unpacked and I go to bed every night so happy to be falling asleep in my bed in this house. So we are settling in once again and minus some other uncertainties in our life, things are calming down.