Monday, October 27, 2008

Blog Thoughts

So you may or may not have noticed that I haven't posted in awhile. I've sort of taken a hiatus from the blogging world. It's been nice. Really nice in fact. So I want to take a minute and share with you what I've found.

I fully realize that I am a somewhat insecure person and even more insecure mother. Maybe that's why blogs are so destructive for me. I kind of wondered why I was unhappy of late. I'm sure there are a myriad of reasons. But I wondered if maybe blogs were part of the problem. I was severely addicted to them though (you know checked them several times a day, was bummed when nothing was new, hoped there was something out there that was going to make my day, and seriously couldn't not check at least once a day. So I started out small. Each day I removed a few from my google reader. I started with ones of people I didn't really even know and ones that made me feel bad as a person or as a mother and slowly the list got smaller and smaller. Then I decided to go a week without checking the remaining few. I thought I'd miss it. I thought I couldn't do it. But I did and I don't miss them at all. I'm SO much happier and I'm loving life and mothering and me so much more. And I'm actually talking to and hanging out with good friends and getting to hear about their lives first hand instead of just stalking them.

I'll tell you why blogs were bad. I found myself upset about something that had happened and I'd look to blogs to find someone who understood and instead I'd find the exact opposite. Perfect people leading unbelievably perfect and happy lives. I sit there and wonder what was wrong with me. I didn't just create the world's best cake, or teach my child how to read when she was two, in fact I probably just let her watch yet another movie while eating a piece of candy. I didn't just run a marathon or create my own Etsy shop or plan up the best birthday party ever. Oh no I probably just surfed online. I found myself thinking I needed to open an Etsy shop or scrapbook a masterpiece or do things that I really didn't want to do, but started thinking I needed to because everyone else was. Now I'm away from blogs, I'm trying to think up things to do that I want to do. Things that fit me and who I am and make me happy, not what I think a mom should do. Also, I'm not comparing the way I do my job (mothering) to the way forty other people are doing the same job. I can't imagine if Russ did that or any other guy out there. We can't all be the same kind of doctor, teacher, business man etc. But I was comparing myself like that when I was reading blogs. Instead of hanging out with and calling people I was reading their blog instead. And when we'd get together I would sometimes have a hard time talking about what was going on because we both knew what was going on. I like hanging out. I like talking on the phone or in person. Wow does it ever beat being alone reading someone's blog.

I know blogs have their benefits (ideas, causes, connecting) and I know for a lot of people they are probably more self assured, but I'm not. And I'm so much happier not reading them. So I just wanted to let the rest of you out there know what a blog break has done for me and maybe you should try it too.

So I have no idea if I'm going to keep writing this blog. It can be fun. It can be a great outlet. And it gets me to journal, but I wonder if I'm being hypocritical by having a blog, but not reading them. I guess I'll just have to figure that out later.