Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Apples to Oranges

I've got a lot to learn. This is made evident in a lot of ways. Occasionally, but painfully, it involves me being publicly humiliated. Sometimes it's from the grief my children give me or the wise, surprising things that come from their mouths, but most of the time it's because I find myself lacking against someone else.

Comparing yourself is complete foolishness. And I find myself delving into its self-intoxicating power all the time. Cerebrally I don't think anyone should ever compare themselves to someone else, especially when within that comparing we decide we are better or worse than someone else. I have no idea why as human beings, and maybe especially as women, we constantly find ourselves falling into this trap. I want to be free from assuming someone is better than I am at this or that. I really have only a pinprick of vision into who they are as a whole, and what their life, their struggles or triumphs truly are. I do think that we can learn to be better by watching others' example, we just have to leave out the comparing bit.

We went on a train adventure with some lovely ladies of the Bay Area. It's always good to get out and do something different with myself and the girls, but it came with a bit of stressfulness and exhaustion. Imagine 30 kids, 8 moms trying to heard children onto a train, through the streets of Palo Alto and into a diner for lunch. Yeah all those kids waiting for an hour to get some food to eat. Craziness. Poor diners, poor mothers. Then we had to march back and hope the kids didn't get run over or fall into the tracks waiting forty-five minutes for the train to get there. And here is my lesson. There is a woman who is a pillar of strength and crazy mothering skills. Watching and listening to her, I want to be like her. Sometimes I think people are all a lot of show and talk and even though they act the perfect part and make me feel terrible as a person, deep down, I know it's all a facade. She was nothing like that. I want to like where I'm at, like she does, and most of all I want to look outside myself and my insecurities, forget myself and look out for everyone else around me. Too bad wanting and doing aren't the same thing, then I'd be there.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Forest and the Sea

A dream day has to be when you can be both in a gorgeous forest with Redwoods towering stories above you and then lying on the beach listening to the waves. Again, that's why this place costs so freakin' much to live here. I'm serious. . .try $865,900 for a 1,000 sq. foot home, bitty yard, 1956 boxy starter home. No joke. But I think this is what you must be paying for. . .

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There was a bug (hence the face), but I just had to get a picture before the rescue-I'm such a mean mom.

Resting mid-hike

Father of the Forest

I know our future is scary if these are its mothers.

Yummy Farm Fresh Mexican Enchiladas and Quesadilla

Seriously BEST ice cream I've ever slung a lip over.

He's So Hot!


Lest that you worry I'm languishing away in a dank, dark hotel room, we do get out. The Bay Area may not be cheap to live in, but man oh man does it have fabulous weather and a myriad of fabulous things to do.

Natural Bridges Beach

It was freezing!-The water and the air. The rest of the ward came sans swimsuits and bundled up in sweatshirts. Yeah we aren't from around here.

The girls finally got their wish and Grams paid for them to get their face painted. They both held SO still. Now I just need to have them channel that dedication into other things.

Gen is starting to get bored of the "slow rides"

The girls LOVED the Winchester Mystery House. We were all shocked! We thought they'd be bored stiff.

Dinner at the Diner

This guy asked for money after he scared you jumping from behind a bush. Ah San Fran.

Best Fish and Chips Ever!!

Baker Beach with the Barbies

Mom and I at the "Gates of Hell". Let's hope that's the closest we both ever get.

Japanese Steakhouse complete with onion volcano

Stir Crazy

Maid service, free breakfast and dinner four nights, a swimming pool and two tvs bigger than the one we have back at home sounds dreamy right? Well I think it probably is, when you are on vacation for a few days, but living in a hotel isn't as magical as you might think. We're all clawing at the walls with green hair and dry skin. When I told Russ I was actually tired of swimming he almost fainted. But think about it. . .taking off clothes, putting on a swimsuit, sunscreen, taking off swimsuit, wringing out water, showering off, shampooing times three gets exhausting. And dinner isn't so yummy. Granted, I don't have to make it, but then again, I didn't make it and it's your standard cafeteria food. Needless to say I'm dreaming of my own bed, a space larger than 400 sq. feet and a yard where the kids can get out and get rid of energy.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

A Not So Good Start to the 4th

A few weeks ago, the day before we were to leave for Independence Day festivities in Utah, we made an unexpected visit to the ER. The end result of a miserable seven hours, was a miscarriage. I know this isn't something one would normally talk about on a blog, but I find that writing is cathartic for me and I'm hoping that by sharing my thoughts and feelings, someone else will find comfort and companionship.

I have been terrified about miscarrying since before I was even married. It was always this hush-hush horror that I knew you could never fully understand until you had been through it. I was a little surprised, with this kind of build up, to find myself alive and functioning and at the same time I was caught of guard by the pain and loss I felt. I wasn't far along. I didn't know if the baby was going to be a boy or girl. I hadn't heard the heart beat, but in my mind I had seen the new baby. I had begun picturing the birth, knew the due date and was mentally preparing in all sorts of little ways for the happiness that was to come. I imagined how the girls would respond and how he or she was going to fit into our little family. I had started playing with names and thinking about what items we needed this time around. I had stopped my love affair with Ibuprofen and made the sacrificial switch to acetaminophen. Heartburn had made a fast a furious return and Tums was again my constant companion. I would look at babies and look forward to getting to hold my own in my arms.

At first Russ and I both hoped that somehow I really wasn't miscarrying. That it was a fluke. I started imagining ways that it could be wrong and how we would both be happily surprised when we find out that all was well. It was hard to accept that there truly was no longer going to be a baby right now. I would see pregnant people, baby commercials, newborns and be struck with the loss all over again. I was made aware of how quickly I'd already made room and set my life and expectations for a baby.

But out of the loss came comfort. I have felt the spirit so strongly and been comforted where I didn't expect to find such peace and solace. I've learned I can make it through something I feared and the world didn't end. I look at Genevieve and Hannah with an increase in love and awe that I've been blessed to have these two in my life. That birth/life is a miracle and I have two sweet, wonderful girls as proof. My heart goes out to all of you who have experienced a miscarriage or several. I know though, that God loves us and he is watching out for us. He knows our pains and sorrows and yearns to comfort us and weep with us. Pray to Him. Let Him heal you.