Friday, February 24, 2012

You Think I'd Have Learned By Now

Me with my Dad's Family-You've got to love my mom's hot, pregnancy dress.
Three months after going on Celexa, I decided to wean myself down and off. I was feeling better, Gen had stopped having such horrible colic and despite the miraculous difference I had seen personally and among some close friends and family, I wanted to be "normal" again and not need the meds. Can we say stupid! Let me say though, you find out pretty quickly that you weren't "addicted" like you had long ago felt. I didn't notice any physical or emotional withdrawals and I was better than I had been before going on the medicine. I think the changes in Gen as well as the nice reprieve from anxiety and depression helped me be ready to face life without the help of Celexa. But if I'm being honest, I should have stayed on the medicine. I think it would have been best in the long run. I did ok until I got pregnant with Hannah. I think the change in hormones sent me spiraling back to that dark, torturous place again. There was a return of anxiety, but more pronounced this time was the depression. I think I was so tired and worn down from all of the anxiety that it finally gave way to bleak depression. My pregnancy with Hannah was harder than with Genevieve. I was more sick and more tired. I think part of that was the fact that I had Genevieve to wake up with and look after. I spent a lot of time on the couch and I felt like crap. I fought hard to get up and take care of Genevieve's needs and take her away from the babysitter that was the TV. But some days I just couldn't and I would spend the whole day loathing myself and feeling horribly guilty that instead of nurturing Genevieve like I good mom should, I was immobile and crying on the couch. I think my friend Tiff was a huge part in getting me through that time. We would go walking every Tuesday and Thursday and she was my therapy. She got me off the couch, got me walking and talking. Russ also was amazing. He did crazy amounts of loads of laundry, cleaning and making meals. He listened to me, loved me and did all that he could to help me. I knew I didn't want to take medicine while I was pregnant. I was so worried that it would hurt Hannah and when I tried to get some advice on therapy and who would be good my midwives were surprisingly unsupportive and unhelpful. Besides my wonderful husband, family and friends, I had to go it alone. Depression makes you feel oh so alone.

Hannah was a sweet baby and as long as she was being held she didn't cry. I can't tell you how wonderful that was. I think 9 months of constant crying created something like PTSD with crying. I still feel like I'm going to crawl out of my skin and fly out of the door screaming when my kids whine and cry for a prolonged time. It still took me a long time to get some help after Hannah was born. I think that whole "must breastfeed" and keep meds out of the milk kept help far from my mind.

**Next: I go lower than ever before until I finally re-see the light and get help.


Kelly said...

Vhari, you are a great writer. I feel like I am reading a really good and interesting book. And your little hints about what your next post will be about are killing me... like reading the first few lines in a new chapter in a book and then stopping. DAH! Keeps me looking forward to your next post :)

Tiffany said...

Vhari, I haven't been as faithful to my google reader lately. I am so glad you are posting this. I think too many people keep their story secret, but in reality seeing someone's journey is helpful to know how to go about getting help, instead of feeling alone and isolated. I really do think our walks helped. Talking things out and having a specific place to be was so good. I really miss it.